My love, I will return to thee...

It's there somewhere
the love between grows
with each passing minute
the love between ebbs and flows.

Marriage is work
filled with moments
of false riches, hatred of deeds,
the elegance left behind.

We attempt to dispel
these headaches - these
heartaches - to cleanse
and find the natural vitality
of life and love again.

We stumble in our pride
caught in the haughtiness
and find we miss what we were
not realizing the joy that comes
after the growing pains
subside.

Each love is thorny,
and we may complain
that rose bushes have thorns
but covering the thorns in
maternal love eases the pain.

My love, I will return
to thee, more fully me
than I ever was
before.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dahlia: elegance; joy
Rose: ambassador of love; beauty; grace
Foxglove: work; stateliness; self-ambition
Basil: hatred; best wishes, good luck
Zinnia: thought of absent friends; 'I miss you'
Moss: maternal love
Sunflower: haughtiness; false riches; natural vitality

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lost Poems: i guess love is...

i guess love is...

Red painted stains against the
       chiseled heat.
Tears breaking me open.
        Pained sweetness
as honey sucked through a straw.


Poem originally written in the spring of 2003.

Seven

Seven years of standing beside him, being held by him, loved by him.  I am a very blessed lady.  Falling more in love each and every day that passes.  Life is better with him.  He is my home.

Breathing in again...

I battle with depression and anxiety on a near daily basis.  It's part of my makeup, it's not something I can hide from or escape or simply wish away.  My depression and anxiety is something I don't discuss much outside of my therapist and my husband.  But it felt as though it was time to share a little bit of it in this space.  Perhaps it will help someone else not feel so lonely and isolated in their struggle.**

My depression presents itself as paralysis.  I become literally stuck in place, watching tv or browsing the internet for hours on end.  It becomes exceedingly difficult to do things to take care of myself and my little family.  We eat out more frequently because cooking and meal planning are much too daunting.  My home becomes sorely neglected, with the bathrooms desperately needing scouring and rugs in need of vacuuming.  It takes lots of energy to even take a shower sometimes.  During my episodes of depression however there is always this little voice screaming inside, saying get up, making suggestions of other things I could be doing.  As best I can I attempt to listen to that little voice but often my depression sucks me back down into the chair.  During my therapy sessions I become mute.  It is hard to express and identify what the feelings are that happening inside so I spend most of a session in silent contemplation versus talking.  I notice that I tend to have everything very quiet around me too.  The radio is off when I'm driving and my home is very still and quiet.  But then slowly the haze will lift and I become able to clean the dishes, cook a simple meal, the radio is turned on again and things become bright again.  This lifting haze occurs mostly because of a combination of therapy, yoga, passing of time, and an incredibly supportive and understanding husband.

Anxiety has another whole set of symptoms. There seems to be a scale or range of anxiety levels and symptoms it produces.  My sleep can be interrupted.  Three thirty to 4:30am seems to be my bewitching hour when I wake up and struggle for the rest of the night to fall back to sleep and often don't.  I battle this by doing gentle stretches and meditative breathing exercises.  Also it can be difficult to go to bed in the first place as there is a compulsion to do one more thing or read that next article or chapter before rest can occur.  One trick I use for this is to simulate the sunset in my home by slowly turning off more and more lights.  If a good night's sleep alludes me for several nights in a row then I reach for medication to assist with sleep.

My thoughts can race and my body feels shaky almost as if I have ingested huge amounts of caffeine or other stimulant.  It can become increasingly difficult to attend to the task at hand and often I find I am trying to do several things at once or rush to complete tasks.  For example making Daisy's food, checking my email from my phone and trying to make myself a smoothie all at the same time.  I then become very klutzy.  Once I recognize my racing, rushing actions I make concerted efforts to breathe, move slowly, do some grounding yoga poses, or simply force myself to sit and look out my big picture windows and watch nature with a cup of hot water or herbal tea.  Medications are in my arsenal for extreme situations when I am unable to control it on my own.  However those are always my last resort.  It is my personal desire to use other techniques as much as possible as I want to be myself, Annette, as much as possible.   

Things that I have found to be effective in managing my depression and anxiety are psychotherapy, hatha yoga, walks, therapeutic massage, eating a balance diet, vitamin supplements, flute lessons, volunteering, ladies Bible study, book club, crafting, gardening, photography, having Daisy...  The list continues to grow as I learn more and more ways to cope and manage with this piece of myself.  A simple gesture of a few flowers in a vase can really make a world of difference to me.  I am so grateful and blessed to have a supportive and understanding husband.  He truly loves me wholly and completely for who I am as I am.  Yet he always sees and encourages me to be the best of myself.  He is my rock.  I could not face any of this without him, my Patrick. 

I hope that you or a loved one never has to face this invisible disability.  But in the chance that you do I hope in some small way this post may provide a bit of comfort knowing that you are not alone in this experience. 

Lots of love,
Annette

**This is a personal account of my own experience with depression and anxiety.  This is not meant as a extensive explanation of depression and anxiety nor are my coping strategies meant to serve as recommendations or advice for anyone else.  This is what works for me.  If you have questions regarding depression, anxiety, or any other mental illness please speak with a licensed practitioner. 

Leather and Lace

A beautiful new camera bag from my sweetheart for Valentines with my crocheted lace shawl in progress. (More on the shawl later...)

Have a lovely weekend!

Seven

Taken at my Uncle's house early in our courtship.

Seven years ago today I met my husband on a blind date.  Yes, we were one of those lucky few who actually connected on a blind date.  Here's our little story...

On a whim I asked a friend of mine, we were in the same dance ensemble, if she knew any "nice guys" she could set me up with on a date.  I'm not sure what even possessed me to ask that day.  Really, I didn't want to be dating anyone.  I had just gotten used to the idea of being happy just as little, solo me but I did.  My friend was gracious and said she'd think about it and let me know if she thought of someone. 

The next week at our dance rehearsal she came bounding up to me saying she had found the "perfect guy" for me.  He was someone for her office.  She was the receptionist and he was a computer software engineer.  She began to describe him a super nice, kind of quiet, bald but very cute.  Apparently according to my friend, he had asked her to set him up as well.  Patrick actually claims it was another guy in the office who asked to be set up but he went along anyway. 

We tried for a few weeks to set a double date with her and her husband.  It became too difficult to arrange a time for all of us to meet up that Patrick and I decided to go it on our own.  He suggested we go swing dancing at the Mercury Cafe and offered to pick me up.  I was a little nervous about this as I was living at my parents house at the time and wasn't sure how I felt about introducing him to my parents on the first date.  More on that in a minute.

Once the date was set many, many outfits were scouted.  I think I tried on ten or so outfits at the mall narrowing it down to two different ones.  I mean what do you where swing dancing with a guy you've never even met?  The trick for me was to be comfortable, alluring, but not too sexy.  A black boat neck tank top with white piping around the shoulders, a lacy black shawl, and a dark pair of jeans won the outfit contest.  I still have the shirt and shawl.  The jeans were confiscated by my sister at some point.  You know how sisters operate.

The night of the date I was looking in on the neighbor's dog while they were out of town.  My mom had walked over with me and I was getting nervous that Patrick could be arriving at any moment.  I remember rushing back across the street as a blue Subaru WRX was coming down the road.  My heart skipped a beat worrying it could be him.  It turned out it was him but I was able to sneak in the house before he parked and made it to the front door.  Now my parents did try to meet him when he came to the door. I was quick to grab my purse and shut the door behind me before they could make any kind of exchange. 

He wore a crisp blue button down shirt that made his blue eyes shine and a pair of black slacks.  Definitely a nicer dresser than any of those I'd dated before.  I remember thinking, "he's a man, not a boy, but a man.  Wow, am I old enough to be going on a date with a man?"   

We hit it off immediately chatting much of the car ride to the Mercury Cafe.  I felt instantly at ease with him, like I could really be myself and it wouldn't matter.  At first I thought it was because it was a blind date and so it didn't matter too much if he didn't like me or something I said because I wouldn't have to see him again.  But now I wonder if it wasn't also because of Patrick that I felt calm, content, myself.

The Mercury Cafe was full of people dancing.  Patrick showed me the basics of swing dancing.  Back in college I had taken a social dance class as a PE credit but my mind was foggy of the steps and it was fun to have him show me.  It came back quick and soon we were giggling and dancing the night away.  Patrick bumped into an old friend while we were there and we traded partners for a song.  I heard later that I got the thumbs up from him. 

Between songs we caught our breath, had a drink or two at the tables skirting the dance floor.  He noticed that my pinkie on my right hand is shorter then my left, that my thumbs are shaped more like toes than thumbs.  This made my heart go pitter, patter, no guy had ever noticed that before.  We talked and talked and talked.  Now if you know me and Patrick you would be flabbergasted that the two of us managed to keep a conversation going all night.  We're both pretty shy at meeting new people. 

After dancing we were both starved but it was pretty late and most places were closed.  All except a Village Inn back by my parents house.  I ordered a veggie omelet and probably scarfed it down, forgetting my manners.  My mouth was probably full of eggie goodness while we chatted some more.

Afterword he drove me home, walked me to my door, and then......

......

say thanks for a nice night and walked back to his car.  No kiss, no hugs, no handshake, no promise to call.  Nothing.  I went in the house, to my waiting parents, kind of stumped.  Did he have a good time?  I had a good time.  Will he call me? Should I call him? 

Patrick claims later it was all part of the game.  Leave the girl wondering and wanting more.  It worked I guess!  He has told me since that he fell in love with me that first date.  It took me a bit longer to realize it but I'm so glad I did.

In case you're wondering he only waited two days before he called me. The next date was playing pool, both of us were comically terrible at it.  And he did make a move for a kiss then. ;) 

-------------------

Addendum:

Patrick would like me to say that in fact he did give me a hug at the end of the date.  He remembers it vividly!

Tuesday Treasures: Spring Walks

On the Powerline Trail with my two hearts!

What's your treasure this week?

My Creative Space: Yarn and Classical Music

My wonderful husband helped me ball this yarn last night.  We sat on the living room couch taking turns balling or holding the yarn.  Classical music filled with quite evening as we wound and wound and wound the yarn. 

We made it this far when there was a little snag in the yarn.  Both of us were too tired to try and figure it out so it's sitting on the dining room table waiting to be wound some more!

Details:

• Beautiful laceweight silk/yak yarn from here.  Super speedy delivery by the way!
• There is another beautiful skein waiting to be balled and then I'll begin making this shawl.  Wish me luck, this is first thing I've tried making using laceweight yarn and following such a pattern.
• Check out other creative spaces here!

(Please ignore the graininess of the photos, bad lighting and iPhone, you understand. Also don't mind that water stain on the dining room table either.  Note to self next time put a tablecloth down!)

Tuesday's Treasures: Cinnamon Toast

image via

Growing up whenever I was sick or wasn't able to sleep at night my mom made me cinnamon toast and hot chocolate.  Since I've been feeling under the weather my husband was kind enough to pick up some bread for me at the store so I could have cinnamon toast.  Amazing how a little thing can make a person somehow feel so much better!

Feel free to share your treasure by adding your link below!

Thanksgiving Challenge: day four

The Thanksgiving Challenge: to write, photograph, or otherwise document one thing that you are grateful for each day until Thanksgiving. Feel free to join in by linking your Thanksgiving gratitude in the comments below.



Today I am thankful for head hugs.  Patrick and I have this little thing where we are cheek to cheek and squeeze our heads close together.  It always makes me feel so loved.

List Fifteen: things that made my week

(I think I got one week behind so bonus list this week!)

1.  A little table for one at Sunlight Cafe while eating a most delicious nut burger.

2.  Sinking Friendships by Jonsi and this song for urging my body and soul to let loose and dance!

3.  Lovely lunch conversation with a dear friend.

4.

This cutie holding a little gift I sent him for becoming a big brother.

5.  My strong husband for holding me in his arms when all I could do was cry.

6.  Ending the week with gorgeous sunshine!!!

Have a wonderful weekend!  I will be hosting a tea party for some close friends.  What are your plans?

The Bike Walk

Last weekend we were lazing around the house when my husband asked if I'd be up for taking a bike ride.  Sadly, we hadn't been out all summer with our bikes and mine was in need of some new tires.  He graciously worked away to get my bike all prepared for our little field trip.

Down the hill we flew, wind on our faces.  It felt so good to be out in the fresh air.  The two of together enjoying each other's company.  We made it down to the river trail and decided to take a left down the trail since we hadn't explored that way very much.  There were walkers and fellow riders out on the trail.  One family was adorable with a tandem bicycle or rather a three person bike for the little guy and a trailer hitched on the end for the baby.

 We were happy in our bliss until moments after this photo was taken when we realized that his bike had blown a tire. :(  With no repair kit we were forced to turn around only moments after beginning on the river trail.

He rigged up his tire to keep it from flopping around and injuring the rim.  And up the hill we turned to hike back. 

Blossom Napkins

Two hand embroidered "Blossom Napkins" from Alicia Paulson's Embroidery Companion: Classic Designs for Modern Living for our fourth anniversary picnic.  Fruit and flowers are the traditional fourth anniversary gift.  My fruit gift to him was homemade blueberry scones using blueberries I had picked at U-Pick farm.  (More on that later in the week!)  His gifts to me were a beautiful bouquet of red roses that acted as a centerpiece for our picnic and handmade chocolate fondue with strawberries for dipping!

PS.  My 100th post is coming up very, very soon.  I'd like to do something special to commenorate the event perhaps a giveaway of some kind.  Any ideas?

Him and Her

(taken by him)

Sunday Special

My husband and I have a little nickname for the times when we are most romantic with each other.  Those days are our "Sunday Special" days.  Yesterday was definitely one of those "Sunday Special" days. 

First, he made me a beautiful breakfast of blueberry-cheese crepes and sausages.  It was heavenly to lie on the couch and listen to him work away in the kitchen.  Smelling the lemons he peeled for the crepe filling.  Listening to the sausages sizzling in the pan.  The meal was delicious.  Honestly, I am constantly spoiled by my husband's cooking. 

Next it was off to see Sex and the City 2 at the theatre.  Getting my husband to go to the movies with me can be a challenge at times but we've always shared a special connection around Sex and the City.  Most people think Sex and the City is all about hanging out with your girlfriends and gabbing about relationships afterward.  When we went to see the first movie together I overheard a group of ladies saying, "Why would you drag your boyfriend with you instead of going with your friends?'  What they failed to understand is it was me and my husband who cuddled up on the couch together to watch each episode, not me and my girlfriends.  Only once did I watch Sex and the City with my girlfriends and honestly it was awful.  They mostly  wanted to chat while the series played in the background.  When Patrick and I watch it we cuddle on the couch together and make silly comments about how crazy Samantha is or how Carrie can sometimes by hypersensitive about Big and how if she only shared her feelings with him maybe it wouldn't be so bad.  Patrick thinks I'm most like Charlotte.  And teases me about it when Charlotte goes and says something unexpected or finds herself in a compromising position!

Image from: http://www.sexandthecitymovie.com/
Anyways back to the movie...  I had read some bad reviews for it so I was a little skeptical if we would enjoy it or not.  We both LOVED it.  The thing with Sex and the City movies is that you have to watch them like they're just a long two hour episode on a bigger screen rather then an actual movie.  I cried two or three different times throughout and had to cover my eyes a couple times (some of Samantha's sexcapades should never be shown on a big screen - it's just too much!)  I guess I am Charlotte!!! 

After the movie we walked over the Joann Fabrics so I could get some linen and yarn for some crafting projects.  Patrick is always so good to go with me and patient as I look at yet one more craft book.  (I am a craft book addict and no I'm not seeking help for it at present time.)  We then headed over for dinner at an Italian restaurant that unfortunately was overpriced and stuffy but our conversation made up for it!  We talked about the movie, our feeling on having babies, and what I want to do for my upcoming birthday (11 more days until I'm the BIG 3-0!)

Coming home Patrick went down to the basement to tinker with his antique radios, searching for stations. He has a old "boat anchor" radio.  According to my husband, "The Collins designed R-390 and R-390A are considered by many to be the best tube receivers of all time." So he has both of course! 

One of my new favorite sounds is the static that made as he searches the radio frequencies.  One that came in last night was in Japanese, one claimed to be Beijing International and the last he tuned into was playing old radio programs from the 1940's.  I lay upstairs on the couch with the hot pad on my back and crochet in my fingers.  (I've pretty much been decommissioned for the past week due to severe low back pain, but I am feeling MUCH better!)  

We ended the night by watching movies in bed.  First we finished watching Oliver, which we've been watching over the last few nights, I keep falling asleep before we're done!  The an old 1920's nickelodeon called Why Change Your Wife? directed by Cecil B. DeMille which was lovely.  The characters were engaging, the fashion was beautiful, the music was lovely and the storyline perfection!  The message of the movie was a reminder to be "more of a sweetheart then a governess" to my husband. 

And that was what was beautiful about today - we were sweethearts enjoying our "Sunday Special!"

What are your "Sunday Special" days?

A New Friend

My husband gifted me with a new Bernina 440QE for Valentine's Day!  The machine was actually on a quilting cruise at the time he bought it so I had to wait for awhile.  To let me know what my gift was he wrapped up some new bobbins for the new machine I'd be getting.  When I opened them I thought that he'd tried to buy me a set of bobbins for my current machine at the time, which took plastic bobbins.  My response was, "Wow, thanks but these won't work in my machine."  He then said, "What machine would they work in?"  I immediately started crying and realized he gotten me a new Bernina! 

This picture does not do my new friend justice as it was taken from my husband's phone when it arrived while I was out of town. I've been trying to take a better picture of my Bernina but its home is still on the dining room table and it’s hard to snap a good picture of it there. We're hoping to convert our office into a shared workspace of an office/sewing room.  I'll post pictures once that happens but don't hold your breath it might be awhile! 

I've had a ton of fun sewing with my new friend. My first project was some silly patchwork Easter eggs that I got off the Purl Bee website. Patching up two pairs of jeans for my husband was the least I could do for such an amazing gift.  My latest project was these set of coasters from I Heart Patchwork. It was great to be able to try out the walking foot and do a mini quilting project! At first I wasn't going to make the little coaster holder but I'm so glad I did because as it’s so cute, easy, and practical.

The Bernina 440QE is amazing. My favorite features so far: the foot pedal which accurately sews the speed I want and immediately stops when I want! My old machine was all over the place.  I love how I can press with the heel of my foot and take a half stitch at a time. The needle stop down feature is also great and came in very handy while creating the zigzags on the coasters. I took a class on using the BSR (Bernina Stitch Regulator) which I'm so excited to try out more free motion quilting using that handy tool!

Yep, I'm pretty blessed to have a man who supports and encourages me in the things I love to do. Thank you, Patrick! I love you! (And not just because you bought me a Bernina but that helped!)

My new favorite lunch: Fried Egg and Kale Sandwich!

On Tuesday my husband was having a big interview for a new position and needed a quick lunch that would stay with him.  Honestly our cupboards and refrigerator have been looking pretty bare of late.  The first thing that popped into my head was oatmeal because it seems to stick with me during the day but I thought it wasn't lunch food enough and more protein was needed.  I saw the eggs in the refrigerator and the wheels in my head started turning. I was pleasantly surprised when I pulled this wonderful sandwich together for him.  I ended up making one for myself later since I wasn't too hungry at the time he was eating. It was DELICIOUS!!!!

Fried Egg and Kale Sandwich

2 eggs
3-4 leaves of kale
butter
olive oil
salt and pepper to taste
paprika to taste
slice of bread toasted

Set out two pans on medium heat, one for the eggs and one for the kale.  You'll be working both the kale and the eggs sort of at the same time so the sandwich can pull nicely together.  If you'd prefer to do one at a time I'm sure that's okay too.  For the kale: Put about 1/2 tablespoon of butter into the pan until its nicely melted then add in the kale and sauté, turning occasionally for 3-5 minutes.  I got my method of frying eggs from this wonderful book, The Culinary Institute of America: Breakfasts and Brunches.  Before this book I was always terrified of frying eggs but they make it very simple and flawless to make.  Put about 1 tablespoon of olive oil into the pan, crack two eggs into a bowl and once the olive oil is hot slide the eggs onto the pan.  Cook for about two minutes.  (While they were cooking I sprinkled on some paprika.)  Tilt the pan slightly and with a pastry brush, brush a little oil over the egg yolks to help set them.  I prefer my eggs over medium so I usually flip the eggs and allow them to set for another minute. Add salt and pepper to taste. Serve on some toasted bread with the kale on top.  I had this great Tomato Mozzarella bread from Great Harvest Bread Company that was perfect.

Ummm... maybe not.

Yes, my husband is very good at all sorts of things mechanical and electrical. Heck he was able to restore a 1953 Seeburg jukebox that was not even able to take a coin to make it able to play our 45 record collection fabulously. So when he offered to try and work on my sewing machine I thought why not? There were a few terrifying hours as he figured out how to take it all apart and started trying to clean it up. Fortunately my husband is also able to admit when he's in over his head. And he was! Which is why I am excited to be finally picking up my machine today after a week in the shop. Now I can get back to being a busy elf!

A Solitary Weekend

Friends filled the empty spaces you left behind.
Friday was giggling girl talk.
Saturday held healing dances,
and good dining conversation.
Sunday transpired with sewing lessons and
a walk in the beauty of an autumn evening.
Friends filled some of the empty spaces you left behind,
but not all.
Empty were the moments looking into your blue, grey eyes
as I shared stories of my day.
And the nights,
oh the nights.
I dreaded crawling into that empty bed
knowing that it would hold one tonight instead of two.
Absent was the touch of your hand brushing my face as I fell asleep.
Missed were those middle of the night cuddles.
This weekend made me all the more grateful
for the gift of your love.
How blessed I am to have you as my companion through life!

Embroidery for Patrick's Lunch Bag

Patrick chose these iron-on transfers of sushi for his lunch bag embroidery. Even though I never make sushi for him to take for lunch and for that matter we rarely even eat sushi together. Not my favorite thing to eat. The shrimp roll and sake mug and cups are what will be going onto his bag. Now to figure out what design I want for mine! Any ideas?